“It's the most wonderful time of the year!” so the song goes anyway. Christmas is my favorite holiday by far, but I sure get beat up by it.
My holiday woes begin in the middle of October. It’s when the group chat lights up with discussion of Christmas planning. There are now over 30 people on my extended side of the family, which includes my seven sisters, the bro-in-laws, and the ever-increasing number of grandkids. It’s a real hoot!!
But when navigating the schedules of that many people, it becomes a nightmare! At least that was the line I told myself every fall, while passive-aggressively staking claim to dates that worked for my family.
Back when we were “experts” in the field, Adam and I would speak for our Diocesan marriage course. Our topic was married love, and one of the conversation prompts we were instructed to offer to the engaged couples was holiday planning. I almost can’t keep writing because I am so embarrassed right now…
Anyway, figuring out where to go on holidays is a major source of tension in couples. Feelings get easily hurt, as couples try to navigate “fair” boundaries on both sides. A wife will easily get upset with her new (or old in many cases) husband because she wants to spend Christmas day with her family, but he is used to spending it with his family, and vice versa.
In theory, love conquers all, and couples make the adjustments needed to keep themselves and their in-laws in a festive mood.
Part of the magic of Christmas is traditions, which makes dreaming about the holiday, and all of the preparations and planning almost more magical than the actual holiday itself. And this, my dear friends, is what turned my love of Christmas into a nightmare!
I love traditions and predictability! As a kid, we went to my mom’s side every Christmas Eve. Dad snuck home early to start chores, and our family slowly meandered home, admiring the many Christmas lights on our way. We then were “surprised” that Santa came while we were gone and opened presents that evening because we went to Mass and then my dad’s side of the family on Christmas morning.
This was a huge learning curve in my early years of motherhood because I wanted to establish amazing traditions with my kids, but Christmas was a moving target. Life looked very different 15 years ago. That first Christmas after we were married, I had sisters who were still in elementary school, and we still went to grandma’s house for lunch on Christmas Day.
Those first few years were an adjustment; we stopped going to the large extended family gatherings because 6 Christmas’ in 2 days is out of control… but as the years went on, the holidays changed. It started with the loss of my mom. Then both of my grandparents. Then Adam’s dad.
What took me 15 years to figure out, is that life is always evolving. With the birth of a new child or the loss of someone dear to us, holidays aren’t the same every year.
One of my sisters finally approached me this fall and asked me to think about why I get so frustrated with our sister's Christmas planning every year. I have a whole laundry list of reasons that I was happy to give!
But when I was done venting, she told me that my dad’s Christmas doesn’t bother her, because it is a secondary Christmas. She has traditions and special things that she does with her children that she puts her energy into.
That really stopped me in my tracks. (It goes back to my long-standing obsession with the fact that I have BAD boundaries…)
Anyway, she was spot on. For 15 years I was relying on the wrong person (and people) to make Christmas feel special. I was expecting my sisters and dad to provide me and my children with a magical experience that they looked forward to every year! And it would anger me when we would change the date or the time. Adam’s family is consistent for every single holiday, and it’s glorious!!
So upon further reflection, it just took a mindset adjustment to realize that we have awesome Christmas traditions! Adam and I have started celebrating in a big way for us and our kids. Heck, just last year, we hosted “Christmas of the Misfits” at noon on Christmas morning.
I made a 25# turkey, which is A LOT of food, so invited a few single people in our lives to come to celebrate with us. It was the BEST Christmas of my life, as we celebrated around my kitchen table in a relaxed and casual way. We sang Happy Birthday to Jesus, and celebrated Him, because there was no gift exchange or any other party to rush off to.
If you have managed to follow my musing thus far, thank you for listening to my heart. Please pray for me as I navigate the holiday season with peace, and I will do the same for you. Your crosses may not look the same as mine, but there is often much heartache around the holidays.
Maybe it’s your first year away from your family of origin, and you are struggling to share Christmas with your in-laws. Or perhaps there is family tension causing unrest among the ranks, due to political, moral, or other differences. Or maybe it’s that first year after losing someone very special. Heck, maybe it’s the 10th or even 20th year and you are still feeling the loss.
My prayer is that you turn to the source of all joy- Our Lord and ask Him to heal your broken heart.
Dear Lord, giver of all good things, we thank You for coming to us all those years ago. You, Who are eternal, entered into our world and time in the most humble of ways. Your Incarnation is worth us celebrating! Just please remind us to keep you at the center of it, as we busy ourselves with preparations.
We know that You celebrated with that new couple in Cana, and rejoiced with them! It is good to celebrate, but sometimes it hurts. Lord, You know why my heart is aching this year. Please heal my memories, my expectations, my feelings of abandonment, my wounds, and my pride. Help me to be a new creation in You, one who isn’t afraid to be a light in the darkness.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.
Until next time, your sister in Christ,
Leah
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