Ordo Amoris and the Sacrament of Marriage

Having been married for 16 years now, it seems like a lifetime ago that my dear husband courted me.  And though many years have passed, I can still fondly remember the thrill of being pursued.  To be recklessly pursued by one who loved me so much that he was willing to risk everything to ask me to be his bride.

We were just kids back then, so naturally, there was much opposition to our settling down at such a young age.  But we didn’t let their thoughts and opinions sway us, and we courageously prepared to enter into the sacrament of marriage at the ages of 19 and 20.  

The Sacrament of Marriage: a means of grace.

Last week, Abby introduced the idea of Ordo Amoris, which is the order of love.  It is essentially the hierarchy of love. The Ripple Effect of Ordo Amoris

Admittedly, it can be a tough pill to swallow if it is your first time hearing about it.  As a mom, I have a natural tendency to want to put my kids first, and will often put the needs of my friends or ministry before those of my family because I find it much more gratifying.

Before I go further, I want you to understand that I am writing under the assumption that we are talking about healthy, loving relationships.

Abby summarized that we as Christians are to direct our love to God first, then to our spouse, followed by our children, and then to our community and into the whole world.

In the beginning, God did not create a parent and a child, but a man and a woman; thus, marriage was the first human relationship established by God.  It is the foundational relationship of the family.

But it is so much more than a firm foundation; it is a sacrament- an outward sign given by God to give us grace!  It is a symbol of Christ’s love for the Church.

Marriage is our own personal highway to Heaven.

It is our own personal highway to Heaven, although at times it may seem more like a muddy backcountry dirt road.

We as parents must recognize that the love we have for our spouse MUST come first.  This, of course, doesn’t mean that we love our children any less!  But when the marriage comes first, the love for their children is stronger, safer, and more fruitful.

When we love each other rightly, our children witness the Gospel lived out in our homes. But when this relationship becomes distorted, the whole family suffers.  When the children become the emotional centers of the home, the spouses are sure to drift apart, and the emotional and spiritual balance of the home gets destroyed.

If the kids see their parents in constant conflict or emotionally distant, they learn a very confused version of love. But when parents are united in love and purpose, the kids grow in confidence and peace.

I know it sounds counterintuitive, but children absolutely thrive when they are not the center of attention.  True love is not about being overindulged; rather, it is about giving and receiving.

Please don’t misunderstand me!  There are so many sacrifices we parents make for our children’s well-being, and we will do almost anything to make them happy!  But they will thrive so much more if we are united in love with our spouse in all things first.

Mother Teresa said that the best and surest way to learn the love of Jesus is through the family.  And the Catechism of the Catholic Church states that the Christian home is the place where children receive the first proclamation of the faith.  For this reason, it is rightly called the “domestic church.”

We will spend the next two weeks expanding on the domestic church, but I wanted to offer a few points of action on Ordo Amoris.

Some of you may have read this post nonchalantly, with little reaction. Perhaps you are very familiar with this concept, or have naturally ordered your home in this way.

But I'm willing to bet that most of us are a little uncomfortable with this idea. We may be in the throes of our child-rearing days and feel as if we just don't have the energy to prioritize our marriage between the sports practices and band concerts. Maybe it hit a nerve and made you angry as you grieve over a nasty divorce. Perhaps you are on the verge of becoming an empty nester and are preparing to think of what your future looks like. Or maybe you are single and dreaming of your future.

Whatever your reaction to this post or your state in life or vocation, I ask you to pray with me now and spend some time this week reflecting on these questions.

Dear Heavenly Father, in Your wisdom, You have given us the Sacrament of Marriage, a sacred covenant that is bound in Heaven as it is here on earth. For those You have called to this vocation, You have designed marriage to be a source of many graces as husband and wife work together to obtain eternal salvation. You have called husbands to lead their families as Christ leads His Church, not through domination, but through humble service. You have called wives to support and love their husbands, just as the Church responds in love to Christ and brings forth this love into the world. As their great love pours forth into the form of children, with souls destined to live for all eternity, help them to love them from a place of abundance as the graces of the Sacrament allow. Bless all marriages and make them holy and happy.

We ask this in Jesus' name, Amen.

1. What is my current relationship with my spouse?

2. How can I improve the hierarchy of love in my life?

3. When have I been hurt, or when have I hurt others by mixing up the hierarchy of love?

4. What are some of the joys I have experienced when loving in the proper order?

5. What is God asking of me?

Until next time, your sister in Christ,

Leah