I have reached a mid-life spiritual crisis. I suppose you could say that I have been spiraling down for quite a while. I don’t know when it began, and I don’t know if I’m all the way to the bottom, but if I’m not, I must be close.
I have had no desire to pray. I half-heartedly show up for prayer, but I’m not really present. I rush through to get on with my day. It’s pretty funny because, in my younger days, I was pretty much convinced I would be canonized one day. I had it all figured out. I spent lots of time in prayer. I was a calm and patient mom. I was a charming and loving wife. What happened to me?
I find myself getting easily annoyed, snapping unnecessarily at my kids, forgetting to greet my husband when he comes home, and talking negatively to my friends.
What happened to the old me?
I have spent a lot of time mourning the loss of this old self.
In the last two weeks, through a series of conversations, I have decided to start over. Go back to square one.
Here is a peek into my journal.
Jan. 16, 2024
Jesus, I have tried to run when I was barely crawling. I have suffered so much from spiritual pride. Who am I to think that I could soar with the eagles, when my tiny wings could barely flap?
Let’s start over. I’m here Jesus, as a fledgling. Can I go back to the infatuation stage for a bit to get a taste of the honey that only you can provide? But if I’m lost in the wilderness of love, come find me. I know you are real. I know you love me. I know many of your truths. I choose to be obedient. But I feel nothing.
Now break my heart of stone and give me one full of life that beats wildly at the thought of you. Make every beat sigh it’s love for you…
I am starting over completely. Other than my Morning Offering and our family rosary, I am tossing aside my old prayer book and prayer practices for the time being and trying something new.
As I write, I realize that this is not the first time I have stripped everything down and started over in my faith life. I have actually done it many times! It has just never been as obvious to me as it is now. I have also done it many times in my marriage, and in my relationships with my kids or friends.
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
-Lamentations 3:22-23
What a great promise the Lord makes! His love is a steadfast love. It’s an ever-new, ever-ancient love. While I drift in and out of zeal, He never changes in His love for me.
We are just beginning a new series on mind, body, spirit. I had planned to talk to you about the body- my New Year’s weight loss resolutions, and how that affects my mental and spiritual health. I had planned to write that a few weeks ago, but let’s be honest... I’m doing HALF of what I had set out to do on January 1. It’s January 20, but who’s counting? 😉
This year I had decided to focus on my health and on my family. Last year I had all the excitement and drama of publishing a book, so many other areas took a back seat, and I wanted to recalibrate.
The Holy Spirit had other plans for me. I thought I needed to work on the body portion of mind, body, and soul, but I have been proven wrong.
Because of my new prayer habits, I am showing up for prayer excited and energized to see what the Lord has in store for me. And because I am being so spiritually fed, I can see that my New Year’s resolutions were ridiculous. I now put a reasonable plan in place to still be able to work on my body, which has a positive effect on my mind, but it is completely obtainable.
I hope you are thriving three weeks into this new year. If you already gave up… so did I! But thanks to the merciful love of our Lord, every morning is a chance to start anew. You don’t need to wait 11.5 months to revamp your prayer life or commit to stepping on the treadmill. The time is now. Ask the Lord what you need to work on, then sit back and watch miracles happen.
Until next time, your sister in Christ,
Leah