The first 30 days of Lent felt like a breeze. I gave up the usual social media and challenged myself to connect with God and my family members before connecting with my phone. I entered the second trimester of this pregnancy, and I was starting to get some more energy and was no longer nauseous. My one-year-old daughter finally had a consistent nap schedule and slept 13 hours straight at night. Life was good!
Because I was doing better than ‘fine,’ I experienced guilt. I felt guilty that I wasn’t doing more of a Lenten penance even though I was pregnant and still breastfeeding my toddler at the time. I forgot the sacrificial love required in motherhood. I felt guilty because Jesus died for me, and the only thing I did for him was give up scrolling. Pathetic!
As an additional way to enter into Lent, I volunteered to be a part of our parish stations of the cross. This commitment required multiple evening rehearsals and performances. Once again, I was stricken with guilt. I felt guilty that I had to leave for practice shortly after my husband returned from work. I felt guilty my husband had to tackle bedtime with our toddler alone and guilty that I wasn’t there to nurse her to sleep.
The guilt followed me into Holy Week when my toddler came down with the stomach bug. I spent most of the week in the rocking chair with a sick baby in my arms. The guilt hit when I didn’t have the mental capacity to pray or fully enter into the Triduum. I felt guilty that I could only accomplish the bare minimum of household chores. I felt guilty when I decided to scrub the kitchen floor instead of reading my daughter another book. There was so much guilt circling my lack of patience with her.
By the time it was Good Friday, I had reached my limit. I was unsure how much more turmoil I could endure and almost took the easy route by not attending the Good Friday service. But I pushed through the day and found myself at church. It was there that I heard our priest preach directly to my heart when he said, “Guilt is a good thing. If you feel guilty, it means your soul is alive.”
Ugh, after the crucifying week I had just experienced, my soul was definitely alive. I pondered his words for the rest of the day trying to understand how I had let guilt consume my Lenten journey.
My guilt stemmed from underlying struggles that had been feasting on my conscience for years. Struggles such as perfectionism, idolizing productivity, self-reliance, and control. Regardless of the challenges I had met during my Lenten dessert, I was unable to accept my limitations and I could not surrender to my circumstances. My eyes were blinded to chains that our Lord died to break. Forgive me, Jesus!
“If this mission may sometimes seem difficult, call to mind the words of the Risen Lord: ‘I am with you always, to the close of the age’ (Matthew 28:2). Certain of his presence, you shall fear no difficulty and no obstacle. His word will enlighten you; his Body and his Blood will nourish you and sustain you on your daily journey to eternity.” - St. John Paul II
I recently heard the song ‘Sunday is Coming’ by Phil Wickham. The chorus includes this beautiful line that says ‘Friday’s good ‘cause Sunday is coming.’ Well, Sunday is here! Jesus is alive! Our life of sin and difficulty is not the end of God’s story for our life! Let us rejoice in the resurrection power and truly believe that Jesus came to save us. He is alive and has conquered all that is keeping us from fully living.
We are an Easter People and Alleluia is our Song! -St. John Paul II
Until next time, your sister in Christ,
Abby